And you’re welcome everyone to this year’s much anticipated Christmas meeting of the Windhim Gold Cup. The going today has been declared as good to firm and all nags are lined up in their traps waiting for the off. At the starting line, we have at 5-1 and firm favourite What’s a facial. In traps two and three we have outsiders The Hungry Caterpillar and He loves Jigsaws.  In flying form today is the enthusiastic newcomer Child’s a Genius at 75-1. Full Nights Sleep has been deemed unfit to race with a nervous and tense looking Where’s the Calpol in her place as a latecomer at 300-1.  Finally, in the outside trap is our old veteran and the much loved and enigmatic Basket of Laundry. 

And they’re off. As expected the favourite, What’s a facial is taking her place at the front with grim determination and steely reserve. She’s followed by Child’s a Genius who’s proving to be in sprightly form on this her first outing. And that’s a false start and all nags are back in their traps. Turns out Child’s a Genius broke the line and the tutting veterans are back in their boxes. To a genuine start this time and Where’s the Calpol has decided she’s not going to run afterall and has fallen asleep at the first hurdle. The Hungry Caterpillar is looking unsure as on previous outings this year she started to look for some food, ate healthily but is starting to look on the hungry side again. In the lead this time we have Child’s a Genius, followed closely by What’s a facial. On the inside is enthusiastic to begin with He loves Jigsaws whose owner has had great success with last year’s winner and the now retired Eat the Playdough. 

We’re coming up to the dreaded ‘Mother-in-law’ hurdle now and Child’s a Genius isn’t looking the better for her jump over the passive-aggressive obstacle and has lost her lead. In front now we have What’s a Facial, followed by He loves Jigsaws, The Hungry Caterpillar, Child’s a Genius with Basket of Laundry trailing behind in a shady gray coat by a good distance. We’re at the fifth fence now and have lost our deluded He loves Jigsaws (he’s just not into it). In front we have the sur’-a-rub-of-the-facecloth-will-do, determined What’s a Facial with the Hungry Caterpilliar fighting for front position. It’s the final furlong and The Hungry Caterpillar has taken a good lead but she gorged herself at the last hurdle and isn’t a little Caterpillar anymore, in fact, she looks five months pregnant now and has just given up.

So it’s up to What’s a Facial, Child’s a Genius and Basket of Laundry running neck to neck on the final stretch. Child’s a Genius is starting to look like the horse whose just been told that her foal is just not that exceptional and has slowed to a more realistic canter. Despite the odds in her favour, we can’t let the story end with What’s a Facial winning because let’s face it, nobody likes a martyr. So that leaves our heroine and all out winner Basket of Laundry to claim a charitable victory knowing that poor auld nag is never going win a race any time soon.